I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
