Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
