Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Say something about gay babies.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Randomize
