i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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