Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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