The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
