yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
