just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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