i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
