if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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