at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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