Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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