he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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