i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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