She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
