Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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