i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i will never coherently bang her
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
