There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sorry about my life...
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
