I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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