A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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