I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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