I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
