Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
