i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
