But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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