I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
