Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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