nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
