you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
