you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Buhtt sex?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
