so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
