I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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