i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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