I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I am spending my child support on dildos
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
