my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
