I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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