Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
