i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
