I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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