The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
