ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
