your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
