meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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