hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's shark week go big or go home
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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