U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
