Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
