im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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