My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
