Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
is that a dick in a sweater?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
