I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
